yesterday was a new beginning and then all hell broke loose and i lost it. mental breakdown.
i have guest posters on bisforbrown for a reason for the next few days. i am not able to muster anything up for your entertainment. i am sorry.

i am going to hide. i try to be strong but keep getting knocked down. down. down.

free

i let my birdies go. i let them fly away.

i am ready for the next steps.

i am no longer holding onto the past.

i am open and ready to receive.

i am free.

xo

via

blah

I am feeling kinda low tonight. I am trying hard to remain hopeful. I did not tear up the picture of my 3 little birds this time. I am thinking of saving it bc I feel in my heart that they tried their best to attach. I dunno. I just don't know why they did not. I talked to them. I sang to them. Oliver knows I am down. He is rubbing his little head all over my face as I type this.

I worked a long day on this Tuesday. I just got home and put my head in my hands. I started to cry. I feel like I just don't do the right things. I try hard and I keep disappointing people. I almost want to stop blogging sometimes. Putting it all out there like I do, is it safe? Will someone judge me? I don't care if a stranger does, but my friends?

Also, I am sad. However, I am moving on. Things happen for a reason. Am I starting to believe even though I have been pregnant twice but never birthed a baby that maybe I am an infertile? I cannot believe I just typed that word. I hate it. I think it is so negative. Ugh.

My ipod died on the way home tonight. I had to just sit there with my own thoughts. It was not fun. I felt like I had a huge sign above my head that read, "full of bad luck, but she gets an A for effort". I feel like I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve. I think I am. You can see the circles under my eyes. You can see how exhausted I am. I used to say, I did not want children. I wanted a career, not even a husband. My mind clearly changed but maybe the Universe did not get that memo.

Doctor Update (told to Adam):

He apologized that he could not give us our little LSU Tiger.
He really thought this cycle was the best by far with perfect results and it was a case of bad luck.
He said he does not want to count IVF 1 because that protocol was not for me.
He is discussing my next protocol with the whole team at Cornell next week.
He wants to get to the bottom of it.
He said that I could not start until February due to the holiday and my biopsy.
He said he would order an HSG (dye test to check my one tube to see if it's clear) and we could try on our own.
He told us we could do IUI's if we wanted to.

However, I just don't want to to do another procedure for a few months.
I don't want to temp. I don't want to pee on an ovulation stick. I just want to try but not try.
But you know what happens when I think about that, I remember that my tube was taken away from me on Jan. 10, 2008. It was stolen, along with my baby. It lowered the normal 20% chance to conceive to less than 10%. WOW. I got the double whammy. Why is that? Why oh Why?
Am I still angry about it? Am I still sad? No. I am just confused as to why. Why it had to be such a huge loss. I won't get an answer for that though. I never will.

I keep getting emails about adoption. I keep hearing about it. I want to but feel it is me throwing in the towel on my own fertility and also, I am afraid to start that process. I just need a break all together. However, I feel like I am just giving up.

Today, I read posts from strangers about me. People care so much to post about us. I was so touched in a way that I could not even express to you. I, however, want the day to come when I can post the news that the stork has arrived and Brownies are on their way and hear everyone rejoice. Will that happen? Who knows?

I am tired. Good night.

(if there are typos, sorry. no energy to check)

send your love to my friend, Kim

(via)

she got her first positive after trying for 20 months but lost the baby today.
please please please send her some love. she needs it.
i adore her so much.

but i hate today...

i said it. i hate you, December 7th, 2009.

you failed me and mr. b.
you failed my Kim.
you failed everyone today.

the windows to my soul.

my eyes: full of love, pain and hope.

This is such a roller coaster. I have some pregnancy symptoms but they are similar to what I felt with the progesterone shots IVF 1 and 2, so am I getting my hopes up for nothing? We went to see New Moon. It took me out of my world for a bit but then the fire alarm went off with 10 minutes left and we have no clue what happened in the end. Back to reality. However, it started snowing when we were walking home and I was holding my husband's hand and it felt so warm. I am so lucky to have a man that I can laugh with, that I can know will always be there for me. Snowflakes are all different. They are beauty in the making. They get one shot to shine and then they are gone. They do magic. I watched them swirl around in the wind at my window. It was as if they were playing chase with one another. Who will win? Is it about winning? Or is it just about fun?

We are headed to dinner in a few and I want to make sure I am happy for my husband since we are celebrating his birthday but I am so sad inside. I am so afraid. I have done all I can to make a baby of our own. All I can. You name it, I have done it. Do good things eventually happen to good people? Am I still being punished for some of the rotten things in my past? Why am I still being tested? I have proven that I am strong and can wait. I have proven that when my heart is hurting, I still remain positive and optimistic. I just hope these emotions are from pregnancy hormones and not the progesterone shots I get each night.

And if this fails, more decisions are to be made. Take a break, try on our own? But what if that is time wasted? Switch hospitals? I am so burnt out, y'all. I really don't know how much more I can take before just throwing in the towel. I am not a quitter but again, I am human and my heart is breaking more and more each time we don't get a positive pregnancy test. Will my prayers and my heart's deepest desires ever get fulfilled?

So many get the good news of a pregnancy, right before they go to IVF. Or they get pregnant on that last IUI, before being referred to IVF. We are healthy and have been through 3 IVF's. I did not just miscarry, people. Not that it is any different emotionally but I lost a tube with that baby. I lost part of my baby making unit. I just feel so much was stolen from me and on Christmas Eve too. I mean, SOOOOO many people are routing us on and praying hard that this is it and were those prayers just ignored? Why are we being made to wait even longer? Why?

So many are pregnant! Their wishes granted. What else do I need to do? I AM HURTING. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER. I WANT TO MAKE MY HUSBAND A FATHER. I WANT MY PARENTS TO HAVE A GRANDCHILD, MAKE MY SISTER AN AUNT, MY GRANDPARENTS to get the GREAT in front of their title before they are no longer on this Earth. My Grandma is my best friend and wants this so bad for us. PLEASE, stop hurting the people that I love. I have had patience. I have changed myself. I am no longer a rotten apple. I am a good person with a good heart. Am I perfect? Is that what you are waiting for? I will never be perfect. Sorry. I can make and keep a lot of promises but I cannot make that one. I have made mistakes. I learn from them! Even killers and drug dealers and cheaters get babies? HELLO?????

I really have no clue what it is like to get good news. To win that ultimate prize. I am not asking for much here. Take what you want from me, I promise to obey whatever you want me to. I will be a great mother. I know this all too well. I will help make my children spread love and hugs and cheer. They will say yes, ma'am and thank you.

I am on my knees begging you. Begging everyone, please. I am crying. I am screaming. I am hurting. I really don't know why you need to test me so much. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO? I won't let you make my heart cold and dark again. I was like that for too long. That is no way to live. Please. PLEASE. I am on my knees. They are bleeding as I kneel before you. You, who are you? What are you? I am screaming to the Universe to please send me my baby. I promise to do whatever you wish.

I have to say something that is bothering me. I recently came across a blog post on Thanksgiving and it went on and on about how thankful she was for a certain blogger. This is not unusual. I am thankful for a lot of bloggers for different reasons. But this was not about being thankful bc she was an inspiration bc she went through a lot and showed great resilience but thankful bc she kept love alive. I just read so many thankful posts on Turkey Day that really touched me. I saw inside most of your hearts and it warmed mine. I was reminded of things I had forgotten about. I mean, lots of people keep love alive by being silly. Lots of people make dance videos or sing in the rain. People have little date nights to spice things up. Like Kora says, real love has it's ups and downs. Its great to admire someone. I admire most of you. You do awesome things, post fashion finds that I die for, post memorable stories. But, on Thanksgiving how about being thankful for people in your life, things that you have experienced, maybe someone that has been through a lot in their life? Like a huge loss and thank them for never giving up. So many of my friends have lost their parents and guess what, they keep on keeping on. I admire them. Some of my friends have had cancer and guess what, they fought it. I have been through similar sitches and guess what, I made it out. Some people have had such deep depression that they wanted to end it all. They, however, woke up and got a second chance and now they are changing the world for the better. Some people have been in abusive relationships and their outsides and insides were beaten. Guess what, they got out. They started anew and are inspiring others. Really bad sh*t happens to people, ok? Families on drugs, families that disown you. So --- you say you are thankful on Thanksgiving to someone who eats fast food with her husband so she can keep love alive? I was just kinda perplexed. It seemed fabricated to me. Maybe it was not. Maybe people are only thankful for people who keep love alive. Maybe people like to read only about the good. Maybe I am TOO real and open for some. Listen, I like this girl. I think she is cute in her ways and I think she has a good heart but come on, a whole post about being thankful on thanksgiving to this one person and not maybe a little something about your parents in there? Or thankful to have a house and food to eat? Maybe I am overreacting to this. It seems a lot of folks like the peeps that only talk about the good. Maybe they have a house filled with drama and need an escape to a place that is rosey and perfect. It just kinda rubbed me the wrong way. Sorry. My husband says, "what's the big deal?" He said people like bubble gum and cotton candy, you don't have to read it and I guess that is why I no longer do. And I am not sure why this was a big deal to me. It just really affected me.

I am not angry and bitter. I used to be. I just call it like I see it sometimes (and sometimes I misinterpret or take things personally) and reading your post really made me think about things and people. I am thankful for all the F'ed up shit that happened to me. I am, because it helped to make me the person I am today and you know what, I would never ever change that for the world. I now can say, I LOVE MYSELF. I LOVE SUMMER!

Now that I got all of this out, I will CONTINUE to remain as optimistic and hopeful as I can. I will. I just have low moments and this is one of them.

Thanks for listening. My heart is breaking but I am trying to sew it up with a needle and thread each day.

Fertilization Results.

12 eggs retrieved
2 overmature
10 mature
3 fertilized on their own

We are happy with these results. The point of this protocol was to get more mature eggs and we did exactly that! All you need is one and we have 3. You do like to see at least 50% fertilize but this feels good. We usually transfer only 2 embryos and we have decided to go for 3 this time and that is what we have. Right now, our embabies are growing and dividing in a culture of my endometrium lining. Last time, they liked it in there. I picture all 3 nestled in their co-culture bed resting comfortably. Music is playing. They are dreaming of lollipops! I see them happy and healthy and excited to move into their new home - my beautiful, comfy, cozy uterus.

Please take a minute and envision our embabies dividing into 8-9 cell embryos.
Say a prayer, do a dance, think good things.
Please.

My transfer will be at 2.45 pm on Tues.


We are ready.
Much love to you all.
Thank you so much for your support. You have no clue how much this means to us.

XO

photos: (via)

mother goose

hey gang. i feel like mother freaking goose.

i am just warming em up and growing em big.

like two of them are BIG.

i saw them on the U/S this am! 2 ginormous EGGS!

those are probably overcooked/over mature for sure. no worries.

there are others.

they are perfect.

i'm full, very full and i am achy.

tomorrow is the day they take them out. they call that egg retrieval. lol.

i will be put under. i will be out early. i will wake up with hiccups, cuz that is how i roll with anesthesia.

saturday and sunday, BisforBrown will have 2 very awesome guest posters.

head over there and check them out.

ok, folks.

think good things.

love you all.